Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Letter from Mother, and My Response


This just in from Mother.
Ryan,

Shit, thanks for the crash course in modern and postmodern literary theory. It stings to realize it was my own limited intelligence that kept me from perceiving the larger scope of your greatness. I think this media format allows a blossoming I had never dreamed of.

I've become obsessed with this idea of the bit torrent. It takes forever to get the good shit, but I've found an amazing series of video lectures on a wide variety of subjects. I bring this up because of your compendium of literary criticism. I had just obtained an e-book on that same topic, and thought I might share (somehow make available electronically, or "seed" I believe it's called) the "dark matter - dark energy" - if it ever finishes downloading. Don't know if you have the time or interest for physics stuff, but it looks promising.

I'm becoming involved with a company called Ba--tex which processes rock into a material 3 times stronger and 5 times lighter than steel. They bill it as a green technology, but I think they use a shitload of fossil fuels heating up the rock to process it.

I've managed in spite of myself to start stacking up some cash, and even though Dad "lost" my passport I'll be getting another one soon. Would love to come visit you, but I'll probably have to prepare myself in the interim to be able to hold a conversation that lasts longer than 5 minutes.

Ah, see if you can find some cute Japanese boy who wants a visa. Perhaps I can marry him to pay for my trip.

Your mother,
Mother

Mother,

Mother, don't worry. I'm not that great. I use the blog for two reasons: a) to store all the information I should be able to remember but can't, due to my dissociative identity disorder (DID), and b) because I live with my girlfriend and don't have time to seduce girls the old-fashioned way, I use the blog as a surrogate for seduction. (Hisae, if you're reading this, I kid.)

I'll look into bit torrent. The guys at my old dorm were always raving about it (mostly about the porn). What's availabe through it that isn't through regular internet? With Google Books now, practically the whole of human knowledge is available for free (well, not quite yet-- much is still restricted through copyright laws). The internet may eventually destroy all existing institutions of knowledge-- heck, it's already putting an end to old media. We should collaborate and figure out new ways to assist in this destruction.

Keep me posted on your discoveries about the corporeal world. I know nothing about it, and am still not wholly convinced it exists, but keep me updated.

And don't worry about conversation preparation. I haven't spoken to any one other than Hisae and the milkman in months. I try to keep human interaction to a minimum.

Your son,
Ryan

PS You need a husband? I thought you were married to Father?

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dude,
Your Mother looks kind of old.

-Ian Hogarth.

Anonymous said...

Ian Hogarth,

Shit, Ryan's mother sounds like a man.

-Josh

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bethany Doublename said...

I didn't write this...
Only I, your true mother, can understand you.

I love you son.

Come home.

To me.

Your mother.

Bethany, (mom)

Ryan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ryan said...

Mom,
These comments just gets weirder and weirder. I'll consider your request.

-Ryan

Anonymous said...

Dude, you said "mother" four times in a row in lines 18-20. Get your shit together.

-Ian Hogarth

MOM (bethany) said...

Ryan...
My... My...
My swarthy faced... Son...

Come... Home...
I...

I...
I...
I... Miss you.