Thursday, July 2, 2009

This Just In From Mother

Just in from Mother:
My dear son,

Thirty years ago today your father took me out for Chinese food. He was astonished at how much I ate and commented on it. When we got home he took a picture of me lying on the bed in my red summer maternity dress. I felt sooooo huge, even though I'd only gained 26 pounds.

Later that night at precisely 3:15 am I woke up because my water broke. I took a shower, packed my bag and we went to St. Joe's hospital, which was right down the street from our first house. It had just started to sprinkle a little early monsoon rain. With no medication, and my mind on my breathing technique, and pain out of this world, I gave birth to you at exactly 3:15 pm. You took exactly twelve hours to arrive! You had black eyes and a full head of black hair. We had two boy's names picked out, no girl names because I just knew I was having a boy-- back then they didn't do the pics to see the sex. The two names were Beholdmyswarthyface and Brett, and your dad and I decided you looked more like a Beholdmyswarthyface.

Your father was crying and they bundled you up and propped you on my chest, we looked at each other and that was it-- my baby boy was here, 7 lbs. 11 oz.

The extended family was all in the waiting room and so very excited that you were here. Grandma and Joe, Nannie and Grandpa Hugh, Grandpa Cigar and Pat, Auntie and Uncle Paul, Uncle Michael, Cousin Dorcus, Nancy Monaco, Aunt Vasgon and Uncle Norm (Grandma Hasmig got stuck watching Vasgon's kids at the house and was pissed off that she was not at the hospital).

The next morning your father drove us home, and the family all slowly started flooding the house (including Grandpa Cloyd Nesmith and his mistress Stella). Grandma Lillian and Grandma Hasmig stayed with us that next week, and whenever you cried we were all there, including Father.

Our dog at the time was a German shephard named Blue, because he had only one eye, which was blue. My little "Green" (like Joni Mitchell's song) was here.

Happy Birthday, my son,


Anonymous said...

My Sweet Grandson Beholdmyswarthyface,

I cannot believe you are 30 years old. Every night I pray for your good health and happiness and for your girlfriend too. I get Japanese movies from the library so that I can identify with the life you are living there. They show Tokyo and the trains and the food, etc.

Enjoy your birthday sweetheart. I love you!

Love, Grandma Lillian Samajean

Anonymous said...

It all started 30 years ago, a skinny little frail child was born. He bore little qualities of a boy, but was nevertheless named Beholdmyswarthyface. He grew into a fine, stout young man. A very intellectual sort of type. He soon became a huge recluse stuck inside a country with many little people who spoke a very different language. On the day of his 30th birthday he had a revelation and realized who he was. And then history was made.

-Brother Brett

Anonymous said...

How many grandmas do you have?

-Mabel Callahan

Anonymous said...


Happy 30th, now your a real adult.

Auntie Chris, M80, and Unko Billy

Anonymous said...

Any more of this personal drivel and I'm taking you off my list of favorite blogs. Cut the shit.

-Ian Hogarth

Anonymous said...

Do you really need to write "Just in from Mother" twice? And Ian's right, cut the Momma's boy shit.

-Jennifer Hogarth

Anonymous said...

Come to think of it, you do look more like a Beholdmyswarthyface than a Brett.

-Heather Cano

Anonymous said...

I don't understand that last line. It's a bit cryptic.

-Nabil al-Tasnimi

Anonymous said...

OMG- i cant believe you are 30 years old. it seems like yesterday that i turned 30- how can i have a son 30 years old??
i think mom told you, we put money in your account. Hope you have a good day.


Anonymous said...

Your mom's letter is so nice and the illustration is so gross.
I can't believe American hospitals kick women out the day after they give birth.
Here, we usually stay for a full week and the hospitals treat us like princess, with small gifts, photos, cards from doctors, nurses, lessons on how to breast-feed and bathe the newborns and sometimes extravagant French cuisine.

- O-Nigiri-hime

Anonymous said...

I didn't know that was Cloyd's mistress. I thought they were siblings!

Anonymous said...

I am losing my mind. the name of the joni mitchell song is Little Green, not Blue (that is a different song). Little green is about the baby she had, but gave up for adoption. Listen to it on youtube. - mother

Anonymous said...
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