Monday, December 7, 2009

"The Schoolgirl" by Dazai Osamu

This just in from Josh Assimilated:
Hello, Beholdmyswarthyface. My name is Josh, Josh Assimilated, and I have been a fan of your web journal for many years.

I think you're on to something with this Aozora Bunko translation project, and I wish you luck in getting that million-dollar grant.

Though I have no family, education, money, or credentials to speak of, I would like to participate in the
project. Please take a look at this sample translation, and let me know if you think I am qualified. It is the first section of my translation of Dazai Osamu's short story "Joseito" (1939). You can compare my translation with the original text, which I've included at the bottom of the document. I'll post the rest of my translation after hearing from you.

Best regards,
Josh Assimilated

P.S. Oh, and this for the blind:


12 comments:

Christy Magdel said...
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Christy Magdel said...

As the unit progressed, Josh assimilated and accommodated more of the intended content elements of the tasks and eventually learned sufficient content knowledge to give his peers the appropriate error detection feedback they required to execute more consistently the strategy tasks.

Cresti Yerfi said...
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Cresti Yerfi said...

I like how Josh translated 化け物 as "evil shape-changers." "Monsters" or "ghosts" just doesn't convey the metamorphic aspect of 化け物.

Mother said...

I'm not so sure about this sentence of your translation: "In bed, I'm always malcontent, despising everything. Filled with ugly regrets, I tense up at once, chest asphyxiated, a squirming worm." (The original: いろいろ醜い後悔ばっかり、いちどに、どっとかたまって胸をふさぎ、身悶(みもだ)えしちゃう。) You might want to have someone look at that for you.

Anonymous said...

mother forgot to say, "I am not sure about this pretext." Makes sense?

Anonymous said...

Also, "Glasses are evil shape changers?" Accurate? Mother

Anonymous said...

'Glasses are evil shape changers'


Should be something more 1939 schoolgirl surely...maybe ' 'Glasses are beasts!' or 'beastly things'. I think its a gut emotional "I hate them' ejaculation rather than an over literary description. 'More Malory Towers thinking required perhaps..only a suggestion and it needs to said from a British English translation viewpoint.

Sally Suzuki said...

One suggestion: Change 濁って濁って、そのう ちに、だんだん澱粉(でんぷん)が下に沈み、少しずつ上澄(うわずみ)が出来て、やっと疲れて眼がさめる to "Your eyes feel murky and impure, and only after the starch slowly settles and a skim surfaces do your tired eyes open at last."

Josh, Josh Assimilated said...

Anonymous,

Thanks for the suggestion. I like "beastly things." I think I'm going to go with that.

Beholdmyswarthyface said...

Josh, Josh Assimilated,

Your translation is quite good. Please send me the rest. You are certainly qualified to participate in our Aozora Bunko translation project.

Anonymous said...

I thought that the translation was excellent overall, particularly since fiction can often be a harder animal to transport so to speak.